It was confusing for me, since I didn’t know about this phenomenon, and I very much wanted to please her, as well.

What the fuck is “normalcy”? Who the fuck is “normal” and who the hell gets to define it? The majority? Fuck the majority.

That’s like saying you’re not a real gay man unless you like taking it in the ass. Everyone does not like oral sex. Whether het, lez, or gay. It’s stupid to think that. Just because YOU don’t understand, does not mean something is wrong. I am a pillow queen and I only date Stone Butches for this reason. We are compatible. Period. I would never try to manipulate someone into giving me what I want. The woman quoted using “psychology” probably hasn’t found the person who will complement her in the bedroom, or doesn’t know that stone butches even exist, perhaps.

As a pillow princess my job is not to educate you. If you want to know I suggest you go read a book, a website…it’s free. Try googling “stone femme”. Go to butch-femme.com …forums galore of stone butches and pillow princesses explaining their identities.

But do know that I am a feminist queer lesbian femme who loves studs/butches who are touch-me-nots/stone. You can think I’m self-hating and lazy and in denial all you damn well please, it’s no different from straight folks who complain they can’t “understand” the queers.

Peace.

Abstract:
Rarely does the term “Pillow Queen” refer admiringly to a mode of female or feminine lesbian sexual agency; most often it is used as a term of insult. If a good portion of feminist and queer studies works from a history and theory of the sexually abject then why is the Pillow Queen an improper historical sexual subject? Not only has the Pillow Queen been neglected by queer studies, she has been ridiculed and rejected by many forms of lesbian feminism within which the spectacle of seeming feminine passivity can evoke only horror and intimations of deep collusion with the forces of patriarchy.

What’s wrong, I ask, with being a Pillow Queen?

On http://www.About.com, which promises to be your online guide to lesbian life, PQ-dom is defined as:

A Pillow Queen is someone who likes to be on the receiving end of sex.
She likes to be pleasured and not reciprocate. Also known as: Bottom.

This definition of the PQ as someone who likes to receive, be non-reciprocal, and who can also be called a “bottom” indicates the troublesome sexual peculiarities of the PQ, who, as the spectacle of an idle female (feminine) bottom, receiving pleasure, demanding pleasure, luxuriating in pleasure but then, unbelievably, outrageously, refusing to “reciprocate” tells us all we need to know about the lesbian repudiation of the category. The PQ, here and elsewhere, has been classified as self-serving, as a sexual subject who seeks out pleasure but does not return it. However, if articulated from a feminist and queer theory of sexuality PQ-dom not only provides a model of sexual agency for both straight and queer femininities, it also offers us a complex rendering of the relations between passivity and pleasure, receptivity and subjectivity, sexual behavior and politics.
Of course, lesbian femininity is a curious topic within feminist and queer theories and has been much neglected when compared to the mountains of literature on gay male femininities and lesbian masculinities. A few studies by scholars have laid the foundations for an account of lesbian femininity as an excessive, hyperbolic, non-normative mode of desire. However, in part as a result of the PQ’s “outsider” lesbian status as too ‘naturally’ feminine queer theories haven’t granted her due appreciation as a potential model of transgressive bottoming. In fact, only a few queer theorists have written specifically about the desire to bottom or to be the receptive partner and none of them use the PQ as an example.

In this essay I argue that though the Pillow Queen is often viewed as an historical symbol of a straight-acting, lazy or self-involved, ethnic/racial/classed femininity, as a politically incorrect affront to lesbian feminism, and as marginal to radical queer theories, in my analysis, as she works the glorious fulfillment of countless fantasies of femininity, submission, and passivity the Pillow Queen must be celebrated and installed at the very heart of a queer feminist project situating femininity and sexual transgression.

This article is featured in Tribades, Tommies and Transgressives; History of Sexualities: Volume I.

on another point, i consider myself a feminine/queer lesbian. i love giving and i love receiving. i have been with all different kinds of women – some don’t like penetration, some do, some don’t want anything in return at all, some want it all. the most satisfying relationships i’ve had were those with mutual sex. the other relationships felt… well… like they were missing something. i want to make my lover feel the way she makes me feel, emotionally and physically.

i HAVE been in a pillow princess relationship, where i was the princess and my lover was the strapon butch. i know everyone’s different, but this was not satisfying for me. in that situation, my lover told me she loved fucking me and didn’t care to get fucked particularly. it made me feel really weird that she just wanted to fuck me and didn’t want anything back from me. “maybe she doesn’t like me,” i thought. so i just let her fuck me while i “moaned and groaned” and thought about what the hell was going on with us. when i think back on it, i was totally intimidated by her and lost in the uncomfortable power dynamics of the situation. it didn’t turn out good. my experience as a pillow princess was pretty damn shitty. if my lover doesn’t want my fucking, how can this turn me on??

And while we’re on the subject, and please make note, a “HOMOBIGOT” is someone who hates homosexuals. There’s been none of that, here. Just attempts, on some folk’s part, to shut down conversations. To my way of thinkin’, that’s another kind of bigotry – the censorial kind.

Seems to me, that we owe it to ourselves, TO HAVE certain conversations – even if this means tolerating a measure of discomfort. This isn’t a job for the faint hearted. This IS us defining our own Culture, right on down to our own particular sexual neighborhoods. Would it be better to have White folks and psychiatrists decide our business FOR US?

Nobody is trying to tell anybody else what to do in the privacy of her (his) own bedroom. That’s a bogus charge.

I’m just not the type to suspend my own judgement about things on somebody elses say so. If you can’t discuss your bisexuality or stone-ness, or even your lesbianism, without being hostile and/or defensive, I’m suspicious…..

Yea that. What she said. I’m way new to all this, a few months ago had no clue what a top or bottom was for goodness sake – but I’ve got a few good friends who have filled me in on the details and I find it extremely interesting that on some levels there seem to be more rigidly defined sexual roles in the lesbian community than I ever encountered in the straight community!

Interesting…

Yea that. What she said. I’m way new to all this, a few months ago had no clue what a top or bottom was for goodness sake – but I’ve got a few good friends who have filled me in on the details and I find it extremely interesting that on some levels there seem to be more rigidly defined sexual roles in the lesbian community than I ever encountered in the straight community!

Interesting…